They NEVER tell you!

When I was young....and I mean before the age of say 8 or 9 life was pretty simple. You woke up, went to school, walked home, did your home work, went outside and played , waited for your Dad to come home, ate dinner and watched some Family Ties and went to bed. You dreamed you would marry a man just like your Dad, have kids by the time you were at the old age of 25, with a house a dog. Life was wonderful!!! Then you grew up....and you found out that THEY NEVER TELL YOU what is really going to happen!!!!
they never tell you that your dad will be sick and you will worry about him for the rest of your life. That your siblings will be treated better than you and you will have to fend for yourself. That you will have cancer and it will change your life. That people, children die way before they should. That big brothers WONT stand up for you and hurt you more that you can imagine. That your record player would be your salvation and take you away from your troubles along with a swig of Vodka. That friends aren't true till the end and that trust is hard to come by. That once cancer is in remission you HAVE to worry about the side effects. That heart attacks are not only for the old...unless 34 is the new 70! That brain tumors can ruin your life.
They say you should go to school, get an education.....but that would not have helped me...in any of those situations. They don't teach you how to deal with death, heart ache, betrayal, relapse. they say be happy that you are alive, count your blessings.....God wont give you more that you can handle....well I'm all handled out. I'm not going to have most of those things I dreamed about when I was a little girls. I'm not going to have the kids, the house or dag.....where is my "American Dream" !!!?????
Those of you that know me, I mean really know me!!! You know that this is not me.....I'm not this angry bitter person.....I'm just hurt and tired...and need to vent. I know that in the end, I'm a pretty lucky girl.....but sometimes the pain is so deep....it is hard to see the light......
ps...if you ever hear of a class that helps with these things....please let me know....I will be in the 1st row!!! :)

Why is it not enough....when will it be enough? Worst day ever! :(

I don't know.....?

I logged in tonight hoping to be inspired to write, but nothing is coming.......I feel so much but can't seem to understand it and put it down. I feel my mind racing and the emotions are so raw that I don't know how to express them. I haven't felt this way in a long time. So much is happening and going to be happening in the future. I have to remember that all I can do is take it one day at a time.
I don't know the path I will go....
I don't know what the MRI will show...
I don't know if the pain will ever end....
I don't know if I will ever mend.....
I don't know if I come off too strong....
I don't know if I really do belong....
I don't know when it will be his end.....
I don't know if I can live without my best friend.
I don't know if all my dreams will come true....
I don't know how to live without you......

Some days you miss your Dad more than other~

The other day an old friend from high school found me on FB. Now we have not spoken since our days at West High over 19 years ago. the lack of communication is not because of anything bad, we just lost touch since then. We went though the pleasantries of hi, how are you, are you married, have kids and so on. But then she wrote the following:
"I have to tell you Marla, I've thought about you often over the years. I've wondered if you were still in remission. Anytime I have a patient tell me that they were diagnosed with cancer I encourage them with your battle and how I remember you were so strong and positive. If I remember correctly, it had spread to your lymph nodes. I am so pleased to see that you are well!!!!! "
I have yet to talk about having cancer ....on my blog that is, I'm an open book and no question is taboo for me. I was 16, a Junior in high school, when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease and it changed my live. At that time I had no idea about the ripple affect, but let me tell you......I'm still rippling! To find out now 19 years later that I had such an impact on someones life is amazing. That over the years she has wondered how I was....maybe even if I was still alive!
People we are all ever changing and we really never know how we have changed peoples lived. It doesn't even have to be something so big as cancer and that battle that comes with it. It could be something small like a Good morning to a stranger or a thank you to a check out clerk. The Beatles have a song, "The End" and in it they say: "And in the end the love you make is equal to the love you take". Are you doing that....are the impacts that you are leaving on people ones that are positive or not? In the end are you going to be satisfied with the quality and quantity of the the love you gave and made?
I know that I am and will be.......

The simple things....they make me happy! Driving home today as I pass Westminster...there is little farm. It has to be part of FFA or the 4H where the kids raise there own animals and grow crops. My favorite part is when I can see the pig in there pens. I just love it...it makes me so happy and ever so often one will be up on the top of the fence....and I can catch a good look! It just makes me smile! Does anything so simple make you smile?

Well what a weekend...I feel like I finally got things done in the apartment....thanks to my husband and brother Brucito! It was very inspiring...in fact I have been inspired a lot lately.
~ My 2 cousins Robin and her daughter Jill came for a visit 2 weekends ago from Missouri. Jill (20) had never been to California so her mother surprised her with a trip out here for her 20th birthday.
Now my cousin Robin...I have know her all my life, and though I have know Jill all her life...I didn't really know her. But I got to know her much better the weekend she came to visit. Jill is beautiful in every sense of the word, not just on the outside, but on the inside. Her bodaciousness just pours out of her and affects the people that are around her for the better. She will never know or understand what she has done for me. There is so much of me when I was younger in her and she helped me see those beautiful things again. She taught me how to appreciate again and breath in life. I think that I have been "hardened" by all the demon that are in my life that I forgot to take in the beauty of what was and is good. I have always know who I am and what I want, but I had forgotten to enjoy "thing". Jill reminded me to look at life and all the awesome things that are in it. I don't have time to sweat the small stuff or be upset about things that can be worked through. I am a survivor that is now enjoying the life that I have fought so hard to live. This 20 year old girl came to California see Hollywood, Beverly Hills and the Beach and instead changed my life for the better. I have felt like I was on the verge of this "rebirth" for a while, I just couldn't grab it and bring it to head...and know I have...it is beautiful. for the 1st time in a very long time.....I am Happy! Marla Nicole Thurman is happy. I think I need to be this way to be strong for those people in my life right now that are not.
So the next time you see a sunset or have a chance to breath deeply at the beach.....take it all in and you WILL feel the difference.......